Self-Worth and Self-Confidence: How Do I See Myself?

For some people, their sense of worth depends heavily on recognition from others. Having an achievement, an act of kindness or a good deed acknowledged does not merely feel pleasant; it meets a strong psychological need.

If that recognition is repeatedly absent, psychological stress can develop and may at times be felt physically. If the response is repeatedly directed inwards, self-worth may suffer or self-doubt may grow. If it is directed outwards, it may appear as a perceived loss of control or anger.

To some extent, this applies to many people and is not inherently problematic. But if you or those around you suffer from it persistently, it deserves closer attention.

Recognition matters. Positive feedback feels good. It becomes problematic when we need recognition in order to maintain our psychological balance or wellbeing.

A mistake is initially information. It shows that something did not work or could be done better.

When self-worth is already under strain, it can quickly become more: “The result was not good enough” turns into “I am not good enough”.

Criticism of a performance is experienced as criticism of the person. A rejection becomes proof that you are not wanted. One unsuccessful conversation suddenly seems to show that you are fundamentally poor in social situations.

Learning becomes harder because every mistake threatens your self-image. More stable self-worth does not mean being indifferent to criticism. It means being able to distinguish between what feedback says about your performance in this situation and what it does not say about you as a person.

“I am only worth something if I achieve.” “I must not show weakness.” “I have to please everyone.” “Other people can do it better.” “I must not be proud of myself or I will be conceited.”

These are examples of core beliefs that can become so deeply rooted that we are often unaware of them, even though they still influence our thoughts and actions. They are generally not questioned and are therefore treated as true.

Such beliefs do not arise in a vacuum. Family, school, relationships, experiences at work and social expectations all help shape them. Social media can reinforce them further.

Many core beliefs operate like internal rules. Following them brings approval; more importantly, failing to follow them brings criticism or even punishment. A message such as “big boys don't cry” can quickly become the rule “You must not show weakness”.

Core beliefs can be remarkably resistant to new experiences that contradict them. Even after many situations in which we have succeeded, a belief such as “Everyone else is better than me” can remain stubbornly in place.

One way out of the dilemma is to identify your own, often unconscious, unhelpful beliefs, recognise them for what they are, replace them with more helpful ones, and then align your thinking and actions accordingly.

This requires considerable mental effort and discipline, but the benefit can be equally significant.

Success is easily confused with outcome: won or lost, promoted or not, praised or criticised, target met or missed. Yet outcomes never depend solely on your own performance.

You may train extremely well, work on your weaknesses and still lose a tennis match because your opponent was better that day. You may do good work and receive a poor appraisal because your manager applies different criteria from those you could reasonably have expected. Or you may still perform considerably below experienced colleagues and nevertheless be proud of what you have already learnt as a beginner.

Success can therefore be considered differently: What was within my influence? What did I make of it? What did I learn? And what standard is fair for my situation?

This does not mean glossing over outcomes. A weak performance can be acknowledged as such. Pride may also relate to development, courage, perseverance, sound judgement or acting reasonably in difficult circumstances.

Comparisons can provide orientation. They become destructive when important differences are ignored.

Someone who is successful at work may look only at the few people who have progressed even further. Someone learning something new may see mainly what is still missing.

A meaningful comparison takes account of starting point, experience, circumstances and development. The question is therefore not always “Am I as good as the others?” It may be more helpful to ask: Does my development make sense given my starting point and the conditions under which I achieved it? Do I always compare myself by looking “upwards”, focusing on what is missing rather than what I already have?

This first applies to comparisons in everyday life: with colleagues, friends or your past self. A further distortion arises as soon as those comparisons take place online.

Social media changes not only who we compare ourselves with. It also changes what we consider normal.

We rarely see other people's ordinary daily lives. We see a selection: the fit body, the successful career, the harmonious relationship, the exceptional home, the perfect trip. What is entirely normal can suddenly appear mediocre or even inadequate.

There is also an economic mechanism at work: insecurity sells. Some content deliberately draws attention to supposed shortcomings - not attractive enough, not productive enough, not confident enough, the wrong body, the wrong diet, the wrong relationship behaviour - and then offers a solution. Quite often, a problem is created before a product is sold to address it.

A useful question is: Would I consider this aspect of myself a problem at all if I were not constantly encountering it online? Not every standard you see has to become your own.

Self-confidence does not arise through reflection alone. If you wait until you feel completely certain before voicing your opinion, setting a boundary or trying something new, you are likely to wait a very long time.

New experiences alter your self-image. Declining a request and finding that no catastrophe follows. Standing by your position when someone disagrees. Taking on a task before every detail feels secure. Receiving criticism and discovering that you can handle it.

Such experiences provide something a positive statement alone cannot: counter-evidence to old beliefs. Self-confidence grows through experience. Confident behaviour can be practised. Over time, your self-image can begin to follow.

Our thoughts are not the only things that shape what we experience and how we act. Our actions also change what we experience and, eventually, what we think about ourselves.

No. Even working on self-worth can become the next performance task: appear more confident, set better boundaries, handle criticism more calmly, compare yourself less. A new ideal quickly appears, and once again you fail to measure up. The process becomes self-defeating.

More stable self-worth does not mean thinking you are wonderful at all times. Nobody is always assured, courageous or satisfied with themselves. What matters more is how you treat yourself when something does not go well:

Can a mistake remain a mistake? Can weaknesses exist alongside strengths? Is your self-criticism still helping you improve something, or is it now serving only to make you feel small?